On Social Protocols, Duties and Opportunities

April 20, 2006 at 8:30 pm 6 comments

A close female platonic friend of mine (J.) was pleasantly surprised to see me online on MSN earlier. She was wondering why I had stopped calling her after she got attached. (BTW, She will be getting married soon.)

I obey social protocols. I do not like my girl to be close to another guy who is not her brother(s) or father (or some other close male relatives). I expect other guys to feel similarly. Call me a cynic, but I do not believe two (straight) friends of opposite sex can ever be true close, platonic friends. Unfortunately some f*ckers never play by the rules.

Tongues will start wagging if they have significant others and something will definitely happen. I know of two cases where the girl ended up with the “good” friend after breaking up with her boyfriend. The ex was always running to her “good” friend to seek his opinions (or solace?) whenever we had arguments or disagreements. I was upset but I trusted her word that they had nothing going on between them. They got together soon after we broke up. (Last I heard from a mutual friend they are getting married next year.) True, there were other reasons at play, but now I will automatically presume guilt if the SO is close to another male.

Edit (22 Apr): Angeline’s comments (from a girl’s POV).

————————————————————————-

It sucks to be the eldest and only grandson (I am discounting the 表 cousins), and you get reminded of it in ever increasing frequency in your calls home. I guess you know the reasons (in the East Asian context).

————————————————————————-

J. was also wondering why the girls I am dating/dated are/were all very “intelligen” [sic]. Scholars, from top schools/universities etc.

I can’t help it, can I? Look at the people I am hanging out with.

Food for thought: Educational (and earning power) differences. What’s it like to date someone who is not a graduate? Will your outlook in life and interests differ greatly?

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6 Comments Add your own

  • 1. A.Ball.of.Yarn  |  April 20, 2006 at 11:21 pm

    “I obey social protocols. I do not like my girl to be close to another guy who is not her brother(s) or father (or some other close male relatives). I expect other guys to feel similarly. Call me a cynic, but I do not believe two (straight) friends of opposite sex can ever be true close, platonic friends.”

    echoes some of my thoughts on the subject too…tho i must say it’s not impossible to maintain a close, platonic friendship even after marriage. it’s tricky tho; and depends on all parties knowing and understanding each other really well.

    at the end of the day i guess it’s best to do what some say, ‘to follow the heart’ and have a clear conscience in those matters. so long as we (honestly) do not covet another man’s wife/SO, I think we’ve been pretty decent human beings already.:)

    Reply
  • 2. serendipity  |  April 21, 2006 at 2:49 am

    well i believe that if two people are together for emotional connection then it wouldn’t be a problem – as long as you respect each other’s strengths and accept their flaws – or rather – their “inabilities”.

    Unless youre into intellectual spars, otherwise you should be just content with any nice girls that come along.

    I thought guys, with their egoes, will not ever wanna date women who are more intelligent than them?

    Reply
  • 3. Warm Stranger  |  April 21, 2006 at 11:40 am

    “I do not believe two (straight) friends of opposite sex can ever be true close, platonic friends.”

    -> This has long been a tough question for me in the past. But I have an answer now. If there is any interest/attraction from one party, it is impossible. But if both parties do not have that kinda male-female chemistry, your statement isn’t true. You doubt that it is impossible to be close friends with opposite sex coz you are attracted to them!! Once you do not have such barrier(i.e attraction), you two(opposite friends) can truly be close friends. Coz I speak from my experience.(Note: I once was a believer of your statement.)
    Watched “When Hary met Sally” movie? It is a romantic comedy and it highlights the issue you were talking about.

    Reply
  • 4. Peishan  |  April 21, 2006 at 1:35 pm

    eh, i think it’s possible. say you and i become closer – we talk a lot more etc. but fear not, i’ll never be attracted to you, and i doubt you’d ever be attracted to me. 😉 we simply have too different interests to be able to sustain a ltr. so, yes, i do think it’s possible.

    and re your other question, i think i need someone who’s at least as intelligent as i am, but not overly so. there’s got to be a balance. if he’s not as quick, i’ll feel irritated; if i can’t understand him, we’d both feel frustrated and that something is lacking.

    Reply
  • 5. Unknown  |  April 22, 2006 at 2:49 am

    I totally agree with you.

    If I meet a guy and find out that he’s married or has a gf, I automatically (even without me thinking) “back off.”

    It’s still good to be friends, but your loyalty is to your husband/wife and now you’re a couple, “you” should be able to answer to each other, not a third party.

    Seeking advices, it’s best to find someone of your own gender. But yeah, it’s horrible for a couple to break up ’cause of a “best friend.”

    Your mate should be your best friend.

    Reply
  • 6. xue  |  April 24, 2006 at 3:57 pm

    Ditto for me. When my good guy friends have girlfriends, I make it a point to get to know the girlfriends so the girls know that I’m safe and not a threat.

    But if my boyfriend wanted me to stop talking to my guy friends, that’d pretty much be impossible. Half of my best friends are guys, and these are guys I’m incredibly close to. And I’ve made a promise (to myself) a long time ago, that if it came down to it, I’d always choose my friends over my man (within reason, as long as my friends aren’t in the wrong) because they’ve been there for me a lot longer than he has, and will probably still be there for me long after he’s left.

    Reply

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